Sunday, October 8, 2017

Another Miscarriage

These kinds of things are never easy to talk about. I know that for my own healing and for my well-being, I need to. 
I suffered another miscarriage.


I had been debating if we should share our baby news a little early, since we had already told a couple people. My husband was super excited and just couldn't wait to share the news. So I decided that, I would wait until my next appointment, to make sure everything was still going great.

August 26th, I went in for what I thought would be my second (10w5d) prenatal appointment.
She looked for a heart beat with the doppler, nothing. She said maybe the baby was still a little too small to hear. So she went out and brought in her ultra sound machine. She lubed me up, and started looking. I saw nothing on the screen, not even a baby. I was already starting to get nervous. She went ahead and called the ultrasound tech, and she took me over to her room. I was so scared. I already knew. She looked for the baby and there it was. I saw no heartbeat, she was quite. And then, thats when I saw her shake her head. 9-1 she said. My baby was measuring 9 weeks and a day. "Im sorry, hunny"
My eyes filled with tears. I just wanted to leave, run out of the office and just go home.
She told me my options, I could either, let the baby come on its own, have a D&C or I could take Cytotec.
I went with Cytotec, and I took it that same day. I was already hurting so much.
I passed the baby that same night. I didn't think I would see it. I thought that maybe it would be too small to see, or that I would miss it somehow. But I didn't miss it, I saw it come out. I cried hard. It was over. I no longer had a baby growing inside me.
I was so angry, so disappointed in myself, in my body. I already have 3 kids, why was this happening to me? Could it have been the Subchorionic hemorrhage I was told about at my first 
prenatal appointment?

I still don't have answers, maybe something is going on with my body or maybe something is going on my with husband. I do plan on making sure we're both good.  We desperately want to have one more baby, and I do want to try again, I just don't know if I can keep dealing with this heartbreak.

I posted this picture on my Instagram last week. I go so many strangers sending me comments, and DMs telling me about their struggles, and experiences. It defiantly helps to know I am not alone, and that my feels are valid. I know I will get over this, and there will be brighter days.
To all the rainbow mamas out there. I am with you. I am here for you. You are strong.

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