Thursday, March 23, 2017

Miscarriage

I really don't know how to start this post, and really I debated even writing one. But as time goes by I keep thinking about writing a post. I keep thinking about what happened. And I guess I just can't let it go. I had a miscarriage on January 17th, 2017. I had only known about the pregnancy for 2 days, and I was already 6 weeks along.
Before all this happened, I had been having SUPER irregular periods. Cycles lasting anywhere from 25 days to 45 days, they were nuts and so unpredictable. I had wanted to get pregnant again soon after having Emilio, but that's when we decided to renew our vows. We had put getting pregnant on hold, but as the wedding date drew closer, we kinda just let nature do it's thing. I didn't even really know when I could get pregnant since my periods where off the wall, so it was really by chance that we conceived at the end.
We were so excited, so incredibly happy. At one point we even considered telling
 everyone we were expecting at our wedding reception. We were low key making plans for this tiny baby already. I found out I was pregnant on a Sunday and on Tuesday morning that came to an end. It wasn't anything dramatic. I woke up as I usually do to get the kids ready for school, and I suddenly felt like a tiny gush of something, obviously I was instantly alarmed, just because I'm super paranoid by nature. I go to the restroom and I see blood. My heart sank and I just started to cry. I knew I had miscarried, there was no doubt in my mind. Art stayed optimistic, reminding me it could be implantation bleeding, but I already knew. The blood was dark, and it was not spotting by any means.  I called my OB office, they had me come in that day for a blood draw, the next day they called and told me my HCG levels and told me to come back the following day for a second draw. I already knew tho, there was no way I was still pregnant, the bleeding never stopped. I still went in for the second draw, and the following day they confirmed my levels had dropped. It was official, I was no longer pregnant.
I still don't know if I'm under reacting or over reacting. I had never gone threw something like this. I know I miscarried early and honestly with the jacked up periods I was having, if I would have waited 2 more days to test, I probably never would have known. But it still hurts, it makes me sad and I defiantly cried about it. I cried about what it could have been. This baby would have had Emilio's exact same birthday. The memories we would have had. It would have been so amazing.
I didn't want to talk about it, because some people go threw miscarriages when they are 3,4 ,5 months along if not more. Mine was so early, and it hurt so bad, I can't imagine the pain of losing a baby who  was that far along,  a baby that I have heard the heart of, a baby that I have felt kick, a baby of which I know the gender and gave a name to. I guess, I was worried about upsetting someone who may have suffered a greater loss then me. 
Only a few close family members know about our miscarriage, but I think its time for me to let it out into the universe. Let me really heal. 


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